What i love

  • my LORD and Savior Jesus Christ
  • to snuggle in the safety of hubby's arms
  • my kids' laughter
  • chocolate (well it's true)
  • daisies
  • candles of any kind
  • warm bubble baths

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

When God says "No"

you know its been a year since my surgery. its been a long year for me emotionally. before last year there was the hope of tiny newness, the hope of new beginnings. and suddenly, unexpectedly that door was closed forever. like i said this year has been a hard year emotionally. but i have come to realize that when you pray for something and God seems silent, and then speaks again and it is with such clarity, there is always a reason. God says "no" sometimes. and you know what, I'm ok with that. Really would not matter if i wasn't, but to say that i am Ok with His decision has been a long time coming. Not that i was ever angry with Him over it, just did not understand. But somehow He has allowed me the time and space to heal, to be ok with His gentle "no". And slowly He shows me the reasons everyday. The fact that we are for the first time going on vacation as a family and not going into debt to do it. The fact that i have a job that i love, and work that fulfills me. The fact that my kids are growing up strong and healthy and moving on to another phase of "big kid-ness". The fact that Tom and I for the first time in our marriage actually have time to spend together, WITHOUT the kids... when they were so little it was hard to find a sitter for all 3 together... now, we can sneak away for an occasional date, since they are easier to care for, i have people lined up to take them. Finally time to breathe again after running around like a crazy person juggling 3 little hearts, now they are old enough that they can help themselves more. feeding, dressing and bedtime has become easier.
i figure that now i can look forward to enjoying them more, now that they are older, we can do more things, and not be housebound by nap schedules and feeding times, and lugging all the equipment around. I loved that phase, every minute was so precious, but we are moving on.
It is bittersweet, this realization. The end of the babyness. I ditched the last of the sippy cups recently. Theres still lots of moments that i cry. That i see a newborn and my heart aches. But then i just look into my childrens eyes and Thank God for them. For thes 3 miracles i did NOT deserve and somehow the hurt just fades, and i realize He gave me 3. Three beautiful healthy miracles, who love me when i am cranky, ugly bed hair, cereal for dinner, laundry in baskets crazy unorganized mommy. thats me... and i wouldn't change a thing.