seems to me this business of letting go begins the moment they are birthed. we watch with anticipation their growth, we are neurotic about their eating and pooping habits, we santitize everything they could possibly come into contact with, and are there to catch them when they take those faltering first steps, that inevitably end with a big bruise on the knee or forehead. we cheer as they learn to walk, run, skip, hit a baseball, ride a bike. always this business of letting go. today is a hard day. probably one of the hardest days i have ever experienced thus far in my motherhood career. My baby, my last little dumpling baby has gone to kindergarten. i knew it was coming, i knew i would be sad, i knew i would cry. and i have not been disappointed. can your heart be so heavy and yet fly at the same time? can i be so very sad at the loss of babyhood, but be so very proud and happy too? yes i think so, because i am a contradiction today, everyday really, but more today than ever.
She said all weekend "can you believe it?! i am going to kindergarten tomorrow!"(said friday, saturday and sunday haha).
and the day finally arrived. She smiled big for the camera, lunchbox in hand, backpack on and the whole world before her. Then we arrived at school and she was supposed to line up in her line and sit on the pavement, this took a little convincing, tearsstarted, and mom and dad gave thumbs up and brave smiles. i had to keep turning away so she would not see me cry. she sat criss cross applesauce, looking down and playing with the name tag on her princess lunchbox, silent tears rolling down. she looked up at me a time or two with real trepidation written all over her tear stained face. finally they said it was time for them to say bye and go into the school, she cried harder then, and called out my name, and it took my husbands arm around me to hold me up and back from scooping her up in my arms and going back home. he squeezed me reassuringly and whispered it will be ok, she is going to be ok. and then she was gone.
i cried all the way home.
and i am still crying as i type this, but this voice i hear in my heart is not my own, or my husbands, it is God, whispering its gonna be ok, she is gonna be ok. and somehow thru the tears i believe it, hard as it is to imagine, but we are. Letting go sucks. But we are gonna be ok.